WEDNESDAY JANUARY 1 2003.............

A new year, will it bring more than I have already ? I hope so.

Couldnt have started much worse, with me crying myself to sleep.

The party I was going to was supposed to be a fun and happy prelude to the new year, instead it just showed me how alone I still was, the girl I have been dating was not able to be there for lots of reasons, this made me sad.

The party was at the home of someone else who I had also dated a little earlier in the year. I felt uncomfortable but was urged to attend. I just found myself going over past events and getting more and more unhappy. Why do I seem to have to do it harder than most others ?

I should have left after an hour or so but as usual just shut up and stood around, feeling all the time like I didnt belong. This was a familiar place for me as it was usually how I was at these things in the 30 years before.

I seem to need the contact in my life and when its denied I am unable to cope. My girlfriend dosent seem to need the same level of contact as me and I am finding it hard to live with. I wear my heart on my sleeve and that means its vulnerable and liable to get knocked. So my year started with promise but a return to familiar ground, maybe it will improve but it has a long way to go to top how I felt just a few days before.

MONDAY JANUARY 6................................

Work started upagain today, 2 weeks off and i was just starting to unwind nicely. I seem to struggle with my feelings at times, while the work is there and well paid , it gives me conflict within my own perception of myself. Basically i hate it but I am stuck there for now. Money being a major need I take the view that its better to earn and try to cope than toss it in and be broke.

So ill carry on and do what ever i can to stay there. Lots of things lately have impacted on me, some very good, some less so.

I seem to be subject to my emotions so much at times I wonder what else will happen. Missing my girlfriend seems to be the main drain on me, im far too soft but i cant change that, anymore than i can change being T.S.

Hopefully this will change soon, because I see in her some one very special.

WEDNESDAY JANUARY 8.......

Yeh i know im a prolific writer sometimes. Its just me, had a good session with my psychiatrist yesterday. I am now going to see the 2nd member of the gender board here in february , then ill see the endo.

Guess im doing it backwards, most people see the shrink to work themselves out , then an endo to go on hormones. I have been on hormones since august 2001, live full time, now going to see the psychs . Oh well its working for me so thats all that counts.

Work seems a little better today, not too hot which is good.

All in all its starting to move along this year, hope i can cope with all the new things it brings.

WEDNESDAY JANUARY 15..................

What do i say .......guess if i had my eyes open it woud have been obvious to me. My gf and I had a talk, seems were very diffrent in needs and thoughts, I love her dearly but its seems not enough. Oh well ill just keep going along and see what happens, she is worth trying to have in my life. I have lots of friends but im a tactile person. I crave contact, its one of the biggest single things i miss in my life.

Work is getting there, im trying to cope more with my feelings. Like not reverting to the loud and aggro prick i used to be. I do try to show my soft side there because its how i am now, the guys seem ok with it.

Having weekly electrolysis sessions now, after 8 lazer clearings. Its going to be slower but already i feel the diffrence, and like it.

My life wouldnt be normal without ups and downs, just hate the tears though.

At least it gets it out my system for a while.....................until next time.

TUESDAY 21 JANUARY.........

More ho hum feelings, feeling crap seems to go hand in hand with this life. Stuff it im fed up. If im such a wonderful person now as i do get told sometimes why am i alone ?........I try my hardest to be as good as i can,  but im obviously still a useless piece fo trash. I dont care sometimes what happens to me, like ill float along and see what pops up. I tried plans, the last one led me to be here now . If there was one thing in my life i wish id done its tell Carolyn about me, i wont ever lie to anyone about me now. Come what may.

Been a low year so far realy, only the odd bright spot, hope it improves.

TUESDAY JANUARY  28......

I have sat here a few times ready to write but found i couldnt, hmm me nothing to say thats a joke. Still very up and down, long weekend here was mostly good, out a lot to avoid sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I had an email form a gf in Florida, i curse distance sometimes. Her letter gave me warmth, and a feeling of worth. Yes it does happen despite my gloomy outlook sometimes....(hugz Alyssia)......Just heard the YES concert i was going to in Melbourne on feb 28 is postponed because of an accident to the lead singer, September now...bugga.....was gonna be a little adventure for me.

A few other things coming up anyway....Womadelaide is on in march, going to that for sure, a festival of music from all over the world. Plus a weekend festival in Victoria somewhere, celebrating GLBT and its people. Fit right in there !!!!!

Work still stumbles along, oh well the dollars help me live my dream/nightmare...undecided at times still.........fed up already...till next time..... 

MONDAY  FEB 10..............

A week or 2 can sometimes make a diffrence, out of a gloomy period for now. Talk does help and we should never forget that rule.

Having talked over a lot with the girl I was dating has let me relax my feelings for her. As she said dont wait for her to get her act together so ive been a little more active in being out there.

Work rolls along as it can, I have enrolled to do a course in Autocad as a way to get some spark about changing career paths, if I dont try I wont find out.

I am continually surprised by how nice people are to me lately, whether its the doctors receptionists or just people I meet cold and talk to. Sure helps give me a feeling of how right I am now.

Tomorrow I see the 2nd member of the gender board here , another psychiatrist, well they must make sure I am able to cope must'nt they !!!!!!

Generally my mood is a lot better than earlier this year, that must show i think and the feed back I get helps greatly.

As of last friday I am now the membership officer for our local support and social club, this person in april 2001 was the first person I spoke to in over 30 years about myself when I was in dire need of help. I have nothing but complete amazement at myself to now find that position mine.

The irony and responsibility are not lost on me or my friends, I hope the contribution I can make will meet or exceed expectations.

A few things coming up over the next month or so, festivals and events where i'll be with 1000's of people. I am having fun again finally.

MONDAY FEB 17..................

Another fabulous weekend, my 47th birthday on saturday. This is also my nearly 2nd birthday since coming out. So a lot of emotion around here at the moment, joy and sadness.

Carolyn my x has been a wonderful friend, she gets straight to the point and gives me a kick if i get gloomy or reflective. Phil sure got a wonderful catch when I let her slip through my fingers. But thats history as she would say, get on with it hon !!!!!

My shopping seems to take longer now, i just get talking and lose all track of time. I guess thats a bonus as I have some lovely talks , and 2 shops I go to gave me a present , wow.

Sunday was a fund raiser for the anti cancer council here, at an Adelaide hills hotel. I had organzized to go with a close friend, Lana. She is a mentor to so many of us here. The sight of 2 tall long haired blondes in her purple restored triumph TR6 was amazing, we both had a wonderful day. And helped raise money for a cause we both support.

There is a benefit next weekend for the Canteen charity for children, so are both going to that as well. My x sister in law will be there as well, Lesley and her family welcomed me back in to their lives at xmas.

I seem to be happier at the moment, it does feel better than how i was since xmas, it isnt easy to look cheerful always but i try. Work is stil a struggle at times but i seem to muddle through mostly. Concentration is not there a lot, hormones sure do work on every aspect of your body !!!

As i expected but still a shock when you run out of a house you are building and sit in the car bawling your eyes out. Give the other trades there something to gossip about anyway. That was last wednesday, which followed the day i saw the second gender board member here. I had a fabulous hour talk and was told after there is not a problem with me going on the "program" as its called here. That starts the 2 year real life test which culminates in me having the surgery I desire. So after that sort of day i was at work the next day and had a piece of timber with a nail in it fall on  my leg, hurt like hell and bled , I just lost it , all the frustration at trying to keep myself interested there and the fact i keep hurting myslef boiled over. The tears flowed and i fled, bloody hormones.

But its passed as it always does, and life goes on.

SUNDAY FEB 23..................

Warm and sunny here , like my mood !!!!!!

I had a great night last night at a fundraier for "canteen" the childrens charity here for cancer sufferers. It was organixed by a group of drag kings that perform here locally , their second one so far and just as much fun as the first I went to. I won a trip to melbourne in a raffle as well !!!!

This follows what can only be described as a very special morning for me. Friday at 5.30 I had a phone call from a presenter of a raido show here called "Aqueerium" which is a GLBT based show on at 11 o'clock on saturday morning. Raymond was browsing the Caroussel web site, our support group here. As I am the membership officer and my contact details are on the front he rang me to see if I would like to participate in the show.

Kind of out of the blue that was, and made me think realy hard for a few minutes. I sort of was non comittal but said i would contact him first thing satday morning. Well I did and agreed to go on the show.

What a huge buzz that was, we talked mainly about my life and transition with reference to coming out when I did. I had imagined I would be nervous as hell but found the opposite, i could talk freely and with out stumbling too much.

Certainly another thing I have found I could do which would never have been possible a few years ago.

So this weekend is turning out pretty good again, gee I could get used to these sorts of days.

MONDAY MARCH 3..........

God im vain...or at least developing it. I bought some stretch denim pants the other day, figured I would never realy fit them and not have the look I wanted. WRONG, im being amazed lately exactly how much I have changed after 18 months or more on hormones. I looked in my housemates full length mirror and had a shock. Never underestimate the forces we are dealing with here, change is subtle until it realy hits you.

Had another great weekend as well, out and about as I am. work is even settling down a little more thank goodness. This weekend coming is Womadelaide, world music festival over 3 days here, im going and looking forward to a good time. Meeting friends there so its going to be special in lots of ways, Guess ill fit in realy well. Alternative being my sort of look mostly.

Im continuing to practice drawing in Autocad, my course starts in a week and im looking forward to the challenge that will bring.

Another gripe is the lack of romance around here, I dont mean sex that has no real relevance at the moment, but sharing time with someone special, being held and wanted. A friend told me the other day someone they knew was walking up at the local shopping precinct and saw this tall blonde TS woman,(yeh im me sigh) and was taken with me, mentioned it to his friend and was informed .....oh thats Amanda I know her. Well at least some do find me ok, although I dont realy have an interest in guys, part of the normal transition thing for many of us. Sexuality is a big issue and very much to be explored, and very much a scary part too. Maybe after surgery who knows but now I would see it as gay sex, and im not gay !!!! I suppose im still attracted to the feminine as are so mnay girls pre op.

So a reasonable state of mind at the moment, which can change in a heartbeat although i hope not.

THURSDAY MARCH 6.................

Had a good electrolysis session today, after a terrible one last week. I was in tears during the appointment last week, I had not moisturized my skin enough and that made it take longer per hair. As well I was brooding over something and that seemed to not help either. So an enquiry to a friend who knows gave me some lidocaine to use, mixed with a moisturizer it made a real diffrence.

Most of my chin area is clear now, it was the outer areas that were more sensitive and giving me trouble last wek. Today, Kay did most of the right cheek with minimal pain. I can see how I will be hair free maybe by xmas at this rate. That is one thing any girl who is starting transition should consider urgently, beard removal, the satisfaction of having less and less to worry about is wonderful. My first reations to make up when Peta and Tanya showed me was ...yuk....all that first ...foundation etc. No more. What a blessing.

I also had my regular appointment with my psych, I was quizzed over my intentions and how far I intended to go again. Kinda obvious I thought considering my current state. I was informed that the second opinion I had the month before was fine and at the next gender board meeting I would be considerd for the "program" which starts the 2 year real life test culminating in surgery....Very happy at that. So I have passed another stage pretty well, feels good, and so right too. I do think constantly over what I am doing, rarely wavering and pretty dam sure of myself.

MONDAY MARCH 10..........

Its funny how best laid plans go astary !! I had planned my weekend perfectly, support group friday night, errands saturday morning and then the Womadelaide music festival. Never got there.!!!

Friday night as the support group was winding down I was aked to go to the pub for a drink. Usual anyway so off we went. Was enjoying the live music and then got introduced to a girl I had seen around but not spoken to before.

I think the next line is obvious, all plans were put on hold. I have met a lovely girl who has definitely had an impact on me, and I her. Details are sketchy but there was lots of talk and lots of laughing, followed by meals and walks around the markets here. I think there is good chemistry there and we will be seeing each other again. I realy do feel great right now, the gender program plus

meeting Maryanne has brightened my day considerably. We have talked so many things over that its obvious there is much to look forward to, her support of my transition is wonderful and obvious, she transitiond some years ago and has completed her journey.

THURSDAY MARCH 13........

Just purring right now..........very much fallen for Maryann.

This is gong to be a wonderful year for me, as my x Carolyn said yesterday. We talk regularly online and her support for me is unbelieveable.

Im just keping one eye open for the usual effect of "murphys law"......

Just my sense of humour realy !!!!!

MONDAY MARCH 17.................

A good weekend again, getting far too common these days !.....or is this just my cynical streak showing. Maryann continues to be a part of my life, what a lovely girl I have met. Makes me think hard about my future too, her experiences have just consolidated my desire to be completely free of my male past. This was in my mind when we met, but I need'nt have doubted my own decisions to this point. I cant wait now !!!! but I have to.

Had a few calls from the support group web site, I seemed to handle them ok, which I was also worrying about. I worry far too much sometimes, just me I guess. I am going to be busy most of the time now I think, work plus socializing, and the support group as well. Good to have a focus in life. I am trying hard to settle down after a rocky start to the year, its how it goes though...........

MARCH 31..........

WOW......life continues in a positive and happy vein.

I seem to be out of the low spot that plagued me early in the year, this is so nice a feeling believe me. My girlfriend Maryann has been a light for me to bathe in, she has given me a sense or reality and hope I had lost control of at various times. My psychiatrist visit tomorrow should see me being put on the gender program officially. This is like a birthday present that is unimaginably precious to us as trans persons, hard yes for a lay person to comprehend but that is true of our lives anyway. Just to have the finality approaching is heartwarming. I continue to settle more at work but also relish the challenge of changing work at some stage. Its been suggested to me I should consider Uni next year to study building architecture or something similar, maybe who knows. Maryann is there now doing health science so is thinking yet again of a future. Interesting...til later

MAY 28........................

Hmmmm I sort of got sidetracked and time escaped me, Been a while but here goes an update.

Im sitting here after yesterday visiting my psych, he told me to arrange an appointment with an endocronologist and also that I would be seeing another psychologist as well. This is part of the program we go through here to make sure we are handling our new life. Im doing well, after a shaky start to the year. One thing I am doing in feb next year is visiting a frind from brisbane who will be in melbourne for her surgery, this was mentioned to my psych and I suggested it would be a good time to have a consultation while im there ready for my own rebirth at a later date. He agreed and it looks like next year will be my year !!!!

This follows on from a pretty good month or so. Im studying Autocad at TAFE here with a view to get off building sites for work. It is wonderful, I am finding it easy and also the interaction relaxing as well. Me and 15 other guys from the trade, had a few of the questions last week, it took them 3 weeks to get around to it !! No problems there as lately I seem to be up a level with my journey. I find that im far less bothered with being seen, not that I expect to not be but im more comfortable. This shows in simple things like shopping etc.

Maybe its just me worrying less, and that allows me to know who I am and let others worry for me. Whatever it is seems to be working, and im fine with that.

Being membership officer for our local support group has let me meet some new girls out, seems so rewarding to be able to help. I know the feeling of wanting to explore, was there just over 2 years ago myself.

Maryann is still in my life, we seem to have lost the mania for being out in the gay scene prety well, shopping or a market is much more exciting. Her uni studies have made me think further down the track, maybe I might look at courses there for me to further my work, seems the sky's the limit at the moment.

JUNE 11 .........

Just another day in my life, good though. My endocronologist appointment had me being put on a new hormone regime, great i dont mind as long as it keeps working.

Im feeling so much better and calmer all the time now, my issues over relationships seem to be fading slowly. Talking to my ex fiancee Carolyn, now just brings smiles, not the tears of regret it used to. Not a case of me being hard, more of an acceptance the path is right. Thanx hon.

My Autocad training is great, realy having a great time with it. Hopefully it will lead to a job based not on hot/cold/wet/dusty building sites but a nice office one day. If i dont try i wont ever find out !..seems i said this a few years ago and look at me now...........

JUNE 27........

Winter is here and i hate it !!!!!   Mud and wet all day realy do get me down, i do strive to get away from this environemnt one day. The studies on Autocad continue and im very confident with drawing in it now. I want to use this to change direction, boy do i want to change.

The bills do mean i have to continue on site for now though, so i cope as best i can, that usuallly involves pushing myself too hard. I often come home totally stuffed. Maryann and i have gone our seperate ways, no conflict just diffrent people who enjoyed some time together. Im not rushing around now for romance, it was fueled by a need to be wanted, that seems to have subsided more because of the friends i have and continue to make. An acceptance by me of the loss of Carolyn has helped me greatly, sure i still miss her but that is past now, we are strong friends and that is the way it wil be.

Socially i have some great weekends, out and about just living, often within the glbt scene but not exclusiveley. Despite advice to the contrary i am thinking more and more about next year, it looms as maybe my surgery year. That seemed an impossibility a few years ago , wow time does change us. I know it is right for me and will embrace the changes it will bring. Life has given me lows and highs, we need both unfortuanately...........  

TUESDAY JULY 15................

Well so much for taking romance easy !!!!!!! I guess we cant control what we cant touch. A close friend and I have been talking lots the last few weeks and realized we have a lot in common, too much to ignore. I have known Isabell for a year probably, she lives in another state here, Queensland. Its about 1800 kilometres away, oh well who said life had to be easy. We are planning how to meet up, Its going to be an interesting year, hang on i say that all the time. Oh well why not, beats boredom. My Autocad studies continue and im realy enjoying it, this seems also to help my mood, hope for the future in so many directions. A crisis is also unfolding here as i sit typing, a girl i know interste has gone missing. Seems she went back to her ex family home to sort out some things and left in a bad state, we live a life balanced on hopes for the future and the losses behind us. If i was there id be round like a shot but for now just my thoughts are with her.

AUGUST 13...............

I have just hugged Isabell goodbye at the airport after a week together here. Funny but we knew before we met that it was a foregone conclusion, the power we felt between us talking for so long before we met allowed us both to see the other in a light diffrent than if we met first face to face. Emotions have been well and truly tested and yeh as ususal the tears flowed. It is our intention to be together as soon as is possible, timing as usual ruling our lives.

This has put new meaning to my desire to change work, after all a new city will mean a new start. I will easily leave Adelaide, after all life is where the heart is and mine is truly in Brisbane 1800 kilometres away. Xmas is looming as the time to shift, id go now but as usual issues need attending to here. It'll work out, we both know how we feel and that is enough.

AUGUST 16..........

Well as usual a few days sad at being apart fom Isabell has allowed me to settle down again. I have started to move ahead on some issues here i had been putting off, i guess the realization a future awaits will move mountains. We have talked lots since she flew out and resolved to be together as soon as is possible, probably xmas. Adelaide has served me well till now but i see my future elsewhere, away from those who knew me before and also family that seems reluctant to accept that Amanda outshines Graham in every way. My sister remains the one relly i have support from, she is wonderful and along with my niece and nephew (who only know aunty Amanda) will always be in my heart.

AUGUST 25..............................

I have only a few weeks to wait before Isabelll is here again for a long weekend, it also happens to be her birthday the saturday she is here so a party is planned. We have made lots of plans lately and they all revolve around being together and happy. Easy to do but as i have found out harder to achieve, it takes a special person to bring that feeling and im sure lucky Isy and i found each other.

My youngest daughter rang me yesterday after no contact since xmas, we had a great chat and she assured me i hadnt lost them as they were like me, busy and very good at delaying things. Im very happy as i did fear their loss.

SEPTEMBER 7.........................

Well the weeks just seem to blur, all we want is to be together. 4 sleeps to go now before Isabell is in my arms. We plan for me to be in Brisbane within a few weeks after she goes back on sunday. Life does throw up twists and turns, trick is to go with them not fight them. I have some work prospects when i am there but its far easier with the support of someone you love.

My Autocad courses are doing great, it realy is easy and i hope it will lead to work. There is lots of cad jobs advertised in Brisbane so with some luck i could get what i want.

The adventure of a new city and new friends is electrifying, plus no one there will know Graham so its a step up from Adelaide in that respect.

My eyes are open on this and im not risking much, after all i dont have much to lose, and so much to gain. Though meeting Isabell has given me riches i hoped for but feared were beyond me.

SEPTEMBER 14..............

I have just seen Isabell off at the airport, i promised it was the last time we would be saying goodbye and i meant it. These 3 days have been wonderful, we realy did feel as if life had begun for us. Funny how things seem to happen in groups, Isys birthday saturday meant there were some friends coming round

for a get together satday arvo. I also asked my sister and daughter if they wanted to come as well. They did and Jenna also brought my older daughter as well, first time id seen them since xmas. Seems like hapiness breeds hapiness, it was lovely to see them again. Dinner afterwards at a pub to celebrate another girlfriends birthday made it a great night all round. My move to Brisbane is happening, i cant wait to be with my love 24/7.  

SEPTEMBER 30......................

Im finding this hard, i leave here on october 21 catching the train to Sydney then driving up to Brisbane from there. Being apart has proven harder than the 1st time too,  seems we both have made a huge impact on each other. Isabell arrives here on the 16th for the last time, my furniture is picked up on the weekend and then we leave together. It realy is going to be an adventure from then on, one i look forward to with eager anticipation. We have talked extensively about what we are going to achieve, the main thing seems to be just to relax as a couple. Im so ready for this i have no hesitation at all. I find if i stay positive then that goes a long way to generating things around me that help that. Brisbane will bring so many new things into my life its hard to imagine at times, ill cope, i seem to have gotten this far after all..........